Astrology, Alcohol,
& Speed Dating

Characters: Constance "Stella" Aton is a cultured woman in her late twenties. Medium tall, she views the world with thick rectangular glasses and always carries a book, usually  a large one.
Bartender and Wesley are played by the same actor with various, specific costume items. Martin and Jack are also portrayed by another actor.
Victoria is one of the bar’s usuals.
All the characters are very exaggerated!

Setting: An eclectic bar with black walls, dark crimson upholstery, and loud music. The bar spans the entire stage; there is a scattering of little round tables, adorned with colorful jars containing candles, as well as little white cards. There's a whisper of chatter under the thudding of music by Muse.


Lights fade up on the bar. Stella saunters onto in the stage. In her arms she carries an immense tome titled “The Astrological Bible.” At center she glances around then sits at the bar. She drops it. There's a dooming thud, the bar trembles, and a cloud of dust spurts out of it. The Bartender sneezes. As the dust wafts around Stella, she picks up a card.

STELLA: (reading) "Speed Dating for Dummies: How to Find Your Soul Mate in a Hurry."
BARTENDER: You here for that?
STELLA: Yes, in fact, I am.
BARTENDER: Huh.
STELLA: Huh?
BARTENDER: Huh?
STELLA: Why did you “huh?”
BARTENDER: Oh, just thinking.
STELLA: Really?
BARTENDER: Yeah.
STELLA: What about?
BARTENDER: That there are some really interesting people that come to these things.
STELLA: Really? That was just what I was hoping for.
BARTENDER: Huh.

He pours a drink together using a number of various bottles. Stella pouts.

STELLA: Would you care to enlighten me?
BARTENDER: Well, (beat) when you mix drinks, you have to be very careful to get the right amount of each liquor or else it all goes to hell—
STELLA: (interrupting) Oh, no, I meant would you enlighten me about the sort of people that come here?
BARTENDER: Oh yeah. That. Well, there’s always the usuals. The Goths, Emo’s, people with died hair and tattoos. Some trying to earn a bit of cash under the table. A few wannabe actors. People wanting to get laid, I mean, this wouldn’t be a bar if people weren’t looking for that, huh?
STELLA: (leaning back) Huh.

Bartender nods and walks off stage, leaving the mixed drink, cleaning a glass with a rag. There’s a bell.

Martin, in a ragged leather jacket and cargo pants, stumbles backwards onto the stage as he downs a short glass of amber liquid.

MARTIN: Don’t you dare think I won’t be back for those ten dollars because I will!

As he trips over to the bar, sitting next to Stella, he pulls two dice out of his pocket and puts them in the glass. He starts shaking the glass.

MARTIN: Wanna play? Craps! (he shakes and rolls the dice. He frowns at the result) Crap! (he shakes the dice again) Wanna play? Better warn you, I’m on a hot streak. (seeing the book, stops shaking the glass) WOOOOOAAA! That’s a huge book! Crazy, crazy, man! Where’d ya get it, what’s it about, looks like it’d take forever to read!
STELLA: (putting a protective hand over it) Yes, it is a fairly lengthy book. It didn’t take too much time to read, considering I only read it in my spare time.
MARTIN: Whew, spare time! I guess you don’t do much with your life, if that’s all you manage to do in your spare time.
STELLA: I research, specifically astrology.
MARTIN: Ahhhhh, so that’s what it’s about?
STELLA: Yes. (she pets the cover) I’ve always had a passion for the stars, for why people do what they do. At this point, I’ve studied it so long that I don’t even need to hear a person’s birthday to know what sign they are.
MARTIN: So what am I?
STELLA: A Gemini.
MARTIN: Ahhhhh…… (he starts shaking the dice again) So, do you wanna play? Pause the research for a moment, change it up a bit? (laughing) I can tell a lot from a person by how he rolls dice!
STELLA: Thank you, but I’d rather not gamble.
MARTIN: Gamble? What? I’m not gambling. I’m just playin’ instead of sitting around with my nose in a book! Why not? I mean, isn’t that what the point of life is? Adventure, fun, all that jazz? Living? I’ve base-jumped, sky-dived, run with the bulls in España! Man, that was a doozey! Bull ran right at me, almost gored me in the—Soooo, what’ll it be? Wanna play?
STELLA: I apologize, but I really can’t. I’m trying to save up for, you could say, my own adventure.

The bell rings.

MARTIN: Aw, well, hope your travels are good, wherever they lead ya! (pointing  to someone off stage) Hey! Wanna play? Though I better warn you, I’m on a hot streak!

He exits. Wesley steps onto the stage, poses, and runs a hand through his hair like he was doing an ad for Herbal Essences. He walks toward Stella, winking and pointing at women in the audience. He oozes conceit.

WESLEY: Hello.

He holds out his hand to be kissed. When she doesn't, he flicks his hair with a frown.

WESLEY: (sitting) Well then.

He pulls out a mirror and fluffs his hair, puckers his lips. She wrinkles her nose, looking like she just ate something very sour.  He sighs and puts the mirror back.

WESLEY: (examining his nails) It is so rare to find someone who isn’t familiar with this gorgeous face.
STELLA: (sarcastic) But I am! You’re one of the most infamous actors of our time. I’ve seen your gorgeous face plastered all over the tabloids.
WESLEY: (chuckling) Oh, thank you. You are too kind. (holding out his hand again) Wesley Van Darren IV.
STELLA: (still sarcastic) It's a pleasure. (She shakes his hand)
WESLEY: I'm sure. (beat) And you are…?
STELLA: Constance Aton—
WESLEY: That's a mouthful!
STELLA: It can be. Though my mother calls me Con, and most call me Stella.
WESLEY: Wait. Wait wait wait! Con… Stella… Aton…? Constellation? HA! Constellation?!
STELLA: Bravo. Very creative.
WESLEY: Oh, yes, I have been told so many times how creative I am compared to the rest of those actors everyone else works with! Directors can hardly contain their enthusiasm once I’m assigned to a project. That’s why I’m so famous, you know? (he flips his hair again) Charm, impossibly good looks, and astounding creativity all in one package.
STELLA: They are certainly lucky then.
WESLEY: Yes. So, how old are you? Thirty-three, thirty-five?
STELLA: (flat) Twenty eight.

Wesley makes an overly shocked face, turning away from her and biting his knuckles for a long, long, awkward moment.

He turns back with an absolutely fake smiling countenance.

WESLEY: (high pitched) That’s nice.

The bell rings.

WESLEY: Oh, thank God!

He quickly darts off the stage, covering his mouth like he might gag. Stella grimaces.

STELLA: Jerk.

The next man, Jack, wears a muscle shirt and leather pants. He sprawls out in the chair across from Stella while she looks off after Wesley. He runs his tongue over his front teeth.

She glances at him. Her eyes instantly go wide.

JACK: Hey.

He bites his bottom lip seductively. Stella glances around bewildered.

STELLA: Hello…

His eyes rove over her from head to toe and back up again.

JACK: You’re hot.
STELLA: (beat) Thank you…?

He leans forward, running a finger over his lips.

JACK: And I always win, (he wiggles his eyebrows) if you know what I mean.

She stares at him for a moment then gasps.

STELLA: Oh, goodness no! Not tonight, you won’t!

He frowns, wrinkling his nose. He snorts as he stands and struts off the stage. Another woman, Victoria, with rainbow colored hair and multiple piercings who looks like she just walked out of Hot Topic strolls onto the stage. She hangs her head as she takes a seat near Stella.

STELLA: Ugh! Scorpios!

She shudders.

VICTORIA: (to Stella) Amen to that! (rubbing her temples) This is the seventh time I’ve done this, and every time the men get worse and worse! Like that Wesley Van what’s-his-face. Such a creeper!
STELLA: I completely agree!
VICTORIA: And did that guy ask you to gamble too?
STELLA: Yes! Though I told him I couldn’t play.
VICTORIA: Good. I wish I had. Now I own the guy ten bucks! (shaking her head) Men!
STELLA: Agreed.

Stella shakes her head too then pauses. She looks at her book, at Victoria, then at her book again. She grins and turns to Victoria. She extends her hand.

STELLA: (flirtatiously) I’m Stella.

Blackout.